Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Posts from Local for 04/21/2021

Updates from https://local.theonion.com

Local

Local coverage from America's Finest News Source.

In the 04/21/2021 edition:

Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large

By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 06:00 pm

MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn't representative of the system at large. "Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the…

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Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene

By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 11:10 am

NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. "We've asked all units to be on the lookout for…

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Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room

By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 08:00 am

CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a…

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Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child

By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 08:00 am

COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the "fantastic little outing," local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. "It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some…

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