Posts from The Onion for 04/21/2021

Updates from https://www.theonion.com The Onion America's Finest News Source. In the 04/21/2021 edition: Minnesota Activists Showered In Celebratory Tear Gas Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large 'This Is Strike One, Mr. Chauvin,' Says Judge Reading Guilty Verdict Before Handing Gun, Badge Back NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars Police Ask Tesla To Drive In Straight Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards After Vehicle Crashes Into Tree Knicks Praised For Embodying New York Spirit Of Overhyped Media Creations Jimmy Carter Shaken To See Friend Walter Mondale Die So Young Grammy-Winning Musicians Describe Their Writing Process Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene Biggest Oscar Snubs 2021 Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child Minnesota Activists Showered In Celebratory Tear Gas By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 06:03 pm Read more... Read in browser » Depressed Police Officer Reminds Self That Chauvin Verdict Not Representative Of System At Large By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 06:00 pm MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn't representative of the system at large. "Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the… Read more... Read in browser » 'This Is Strike One, Mr. Chauvin,' Says Judge Reading Guilty Verdict Before Handing Gun, Badge Back By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 05:29 pm Read more... Read in browser » NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 05:12 pm NASA's solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think? Read more... Read in browser » Police Ask Tesla To Drive In Straight Line, Recite Alphabet Backwards After Vehicle Crashes Into Tree By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 04:00 pm AUSTIN, TX—Flashing their sirens and directing the swerving, damaged Model 3 to pull over on the side of the road, police asked a white, 2019 Tesla to drive in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards Tuesday after the vehicle crashed into a tree. "Well, well, well, it's the middle of the day, and we've got a… Read more... Read in browser » Knicks Praised For Embodying New York Spirit Of Overhyped Media Creations By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 02:50 pm NEW YORK—Effusively boasting over the connection long-time New Yorkers feel to this up-and-coming team, media and fans praised the Knicks Tuesday for embodying the city's true spirit of overhyped media creations. "It feels great to see a Knicks team that can speak to New York by turning the smallest run of success… Read more... Read in browser » Jimmy Carter Shaken To See Friend Walter Mondale Die So Young By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 01:30 pm PLAINS, GA— Struggling to process the sudden and unexpected loss, former President Jimmy Carter was reportedly feeling shaken Tuesday to see his friend Walter Mondale die so young. "I can't believe Walter's gone—and cut down in his prime, at that," said the 39th president of the United States, who pledged to no longer… Read more... Read in browser » Grammy-Winning Musicians Describe Their Writing Process By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 11:45 am Whether they are rappers, country singers, or EDM DJs, the best musicians create a profound connection to their listeners through beat, lyric, and rhythm. We asked several Grammy-winning artists to describe their writing process, and this is what they said. Read more... Read in browser » Homicide Detectives Announce They Looking For Real Knockout After Discovering Long Blond Strand Of Hair At Crime Scene By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 11:10 am NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. "We've asked all units to be on the lookout for… Read more... Read in browser » Biggest Oscar Snubs 2021 By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 09:16 am Read more... Read in browser » Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 08:00 am The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think? Read more... Read in browser » Man Waiting For Curbside Order Pacing Sidewalk Like Expectant Father In Delivery Room By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 08:00 am CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a… Read more... Read in browser » Hike With Neighbors Through Ravine Enjoyable Despite Not Finding Missing Child By Anonymous on Apr 20, 2021 08:00 am COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the "fantastic little outing," local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. "It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some… Read more... 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