The Olympic Games are just over two weeks away, and I know that we are all wondering about the history of the competition. I know I was curious, so I travelled to Greece and uncovered some ancient historical documents, which I am quite willing to share.
The History of the Marathon
Long ago in ancient Greece, during the reign of King Zacharous Galifianakis of Athens—the longest reigning king at the time, since the only way to take the throne in those days was to say the current king's name five times fast—there was a skirmish in the outer regions of his kingdom.
In the village of Marathon, troops were running out of supplies, the most important being gyros. Now, in those days, soldiers were paid a paltry wage, so many took other jobs to make ends meet. Pheidippides, who had just purchased a used Chevy Nova, thought that food delivery might be a good side hustle because his only competitor was "Gyro Jim" and he only delivered locally, on horseback.
Interesting fact: Jim was the first to use the now popular but incorrect pronunciation of gyro with the soft 'g' to differentiate himself from the original "Gyro Yuri" food truck franchise.
On his first gyro run, the commander asked him to bring a message to the king. He said it would be an extra 5 drachmas, to which the commander replied, "I'll cut off your toes if you don't." Pheidippides, who was quite fond of his toes, retracted his fee. As he drove off, he heard, "Don't forget the extra tzatziki!"*
In all the commotion, Pheidippides forgot to fill up before he left and ran out of gas twenty-six miles from Sparta. He leapt from his vehicle, grabbed the letter, and almost ran off before he remembered to grab the cooler bag for the gyros.
When he arrived at the king's residence, he was informed that King Galifianakis was out back, "Another point-two miles that way," the doorman said, "but, he is busy celebrating the religious festival of Fetavus and cannot be disturbed."
"Can you see that he gets this?" Pheidippides said, handing the letter to the doorman.
"Certainly," he replied and put it with the other junk mail. His first duty now complete, he hailed an Uber to take him to the gyro place.
"That's been closed for months, didn't you know?" the driver responded. "But there is a Mr. Souvlaki nearby."
"Do they have gyros?"
"Yes, of course they have gyros. Not as good as their souvlaki, but if that's what you want..."
So, Pheidippides did finally make it back with the gyros, but the Athenians lost the war because only a few Spartans came to their aid, saying that they left the celebration being tired of the King showing how many olives he could put in his mouth (24).
True story.
-Leon
*Pheidippides did forget the extra tzatziki.
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Leon Stevens is a multi-genre author, composer, guitarist, songwriter, and an artist, with a Bachelor of Music and Education. He published his first book of poetry, Lines by Leon: Poems, Prose, and Pictures in January 2020, followed by a book of original classical guitar compositions, Journeys, and a short story collection of science fiction/post-apocalyptic tales called The Knot at the End of the Rope and Other Short Stories. His newest publications are the novella trilogy, The View from Here, which is a continuation of one of his short stories, and a new collection of poetry titled, A Wonder of Words.
My new book page: http://books.linesbyleon.com/
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